The State of Mommyhood

I was thinking about Keegan hitting 9 months old and I thought that's a pretty big milestone. That means he's been out of the womb as long as he was in it, right? So a big deal. As Lyle mentioned we were also watching some of the "old" videos of Keegan that we took when he was only a few days old. Watching those videos I started thinking about how my opinion of having Keegan around has changed drastically in the last few months. So I thought maybe I could write a blog entry on the state of mommyhood and how it has changed in the first nine months Keegan has been here.

So in the beginning.....I was pregnant. I was talking to one of my girlfriends that is thinking about having a baby and I was trying to explain how being pregnant is. I mean you are worried and concerned and excited; but no matter how people tell you your life is going to change you just will never understand until it happens. It sounds cliche' and it is; but it is also the truth. That's really what got me thinking about all of this; I mean how can you ever prepare for having a child?

Next we had Keegan. He was a little larva...basically when you think about it babies are little more than parasites for the first couple months. They feed off of you and poop. They sleep and cry when unhappy. You are responsible for feeding them, moving them, cleaning them, and comforting them. If you are lucky your reward is a few moments of silence; as time goes on you get the rare and ever-cherished first smiles. Sometimes you make up the smiles...."Oh Lyle, look I think he's doing a half-smile..."

Lyle and I loved Keegan from the get-go but there is a difference between love and enjoyment or liking. I remember my mom telling me in high-school that she would always love me, but there were times when she didn't like me all that much. I understand what she means now, I have a feeling that understanding will mature as Keegan matures :-) What I did not feel from the get go is some fabulous glorious adoration for the little needy creature we named Keegan. I have heard other mothers go through this, and I, like them, felt guilty about it. When Keegan arrived what I felt utmost was tired. I felt tired, overwhelmed, I hurt, oh and did I mention tired? Keegan had a lot of tummy problems and was especially difficult. Some days he slept maybe 12 hours; not the 20 or so I was told to expect. There were many nights in those first few months where Lyle and I would ask each other what we had done. Would we ever sleep again? Would we ever have our bedroom back to ourselves? Would Keegan ever sleep anywhere but his carseat? Why had we done this? Was there anyway to, you know, send him back for a quieter model? Is this kid thing ever good?

It was during those first few months that I learned that being a mom was going to be both tougher and easier than I thought. I never thought that I would love Keegan and want to protect him from everything as much as I do. I also never thought that at 2am in the morning after a week with meager sleep I would wonder what would happen if I just left him on the neighbor's doorstep. Of course we never did that; but the thought did enter our minds on some of those nights.

Fast forward to where Keegan is today. He is just a delight! It is so neat to watch him develop and so awesome to see him figure out stuff. I love watching as Keegan has an "ahh haa" moment and connects how something works or how things interact. Keegan at 9 months is a different creature from that immobile, non self sufficient larva that he started out as. A big development that I have really enjoyed is Keegan being mobile. I love that he can show me what he is interested in. I love that he can communicate his happiness and his joy. I still think it's ironic that babies can pout and frown from the day they are born, but it takes them months to learn how to smile.

Some people say that once a baby gets mobile, "boy are you in trouble then!" I have to say I disagree. Keegan is so much better at making himself happy now. He is so much better at communicating. His fascination at the world makes me take another look at everything I have taken for granted. I think about why things work the way they work; is there a better way they could work? Keegan has so much to learn and I am so excited to help him learn it all. I am excited to see Keegan when I get home for work, I am excited to spend the weekend with him, and I am excited to see his smiling face every morning. It's a far cry from the weepy Karissa who would call Lyle on the phone from home and ask when Lyle was going to come home because Keegan had cried for hours this morning and it was all Karissa could do not to abandon him in the neighbor's yard...

The last thing about mommyhood that I wasn't expecting was the connectedness it helps you see. I mean I guess before I knew that everyone was somebody's child. I took that for granted and was sympathetic to people who lost their children or were having trouble with their children. Now the relationship between parent and child seems like so much more. Everytime I see someone I think they are someone's child. When I hear about someone getting hurt or someone comitting a crime I think about them being someone's child and wonder if they have children. I wonder even more so why parents do some of the things they do. Why do some people do things to hurt their child's well-being? Why would anyone ignore a child or not try to put their all into helping their child make sense of the world? I always thought about these things some; but seeing Keegan's little smiling face makes it all the more poignant. I often look at Keegan and wonder who he will be and what he will do. I wonder how much influence Lyle and I have on how he will end up. I guess I just wonder what all parents wonder.

So in summary the State of Mommyhood is great. It is so much harder and easier than I thought it would be. The state of mommyhood has just kept improving as Keegan has been developing into a unique and curious little human being...I think it will keep improving until he learns to talk :-) I have a feeling this little boy has a lot on his mind.

I know that this post is filled with cliche's galore. I guess even though you always know about cliche's you don't always know how it feels to live them ;-)